Humor: Leetville Chapter Four
  Leets are the most loved critter in the whole of Rubi-Ka and its hard to resist their childish charm, so naturally, we sent Twicer out to do some research about them but he found himself in way over his head when encountering the small town of Leetville..      
Leetville is story series, describing the ongoing adventures of Twicer as he discovers the wondrous world of Leetville! Special thanks to numerous leets and adventurers as well as Nepentheia. No leets were harmed in this production - Twicer, on the other hand...

Chapter 1 - Click to read Chapter 2 - Click to read
Chapter 3 - Click to read Chapter 4 - Click to read
Chapter 5 - Click to read Chapter 6 - Click to read

Chapter Five
Twicer felt it as he was being followed. It wasn't just the fact that whenever he looked at the side of the road he could see bushes shuffle. Neither was it just the fact that it seemed to be the same bush. Neither was it the fact that he could see a tail sticking out of the bush. It was all those factors combined. Added to that, Skittle had told him "I think we are being followed!".

Another step. The Bush shuffled. Yet another step - the bush shuffled along the road again. Conspiratorially Twicer took a step back. The bush shuffled further down the road, stopped, and then shuffled back hurriedly and with considerable shame.

"Okay, what's going on?" Twicer demanded and stopped to cross his arms. Out of the shrubbery flew a leet and landed on the cobblestones of the road. The leet was wearing a a widerimmed hat. It had a feather in it. The leets tail was wrapped around a tiny Musketeer Rapier.
"Ah-HAH!" it cried. Twicer rolled his eyes.
"Wtf!" Skittle and Izzy said in unison.
"Tails up! Hand over your money and any muffins you got or face the wrath of the leetlest highwayman in Leetville!" the leet cried out.
"And you.. Must be Robin Leet." Twicer stated. He felt he was getting a hang of all this naming business. The leet froze and stared coldly at him.
"No! Name's Cuddlegit!" Cuddlegit said.
"Cuddle.. Git?!"
Cuddlegit sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Yes. When Cuddlegit gots born, his mom say 'Name him Cuddle, Mojo!' but Mojo hard of hearing that day, so Mojo go 'What? Cuddlemoo?' and then Cuddlegit's mom go 'No! Cuddle, git!' and that's when Mojo's earplugs fell out at same time! Now - hand over all money and muffins or suffer the consequences!"
"We don't have any, I'm afraid, Cuddlegit." Twicer said apologetically.
"Aww - hoot! How is Cuddlegit supposed to be a highwayman if no one has money, eh?!" Cuddlegit said and contrived to look sad. Twicer leaned down and ran his indexfinger under the chin of Cuddlegit, who whimpered sadly but clearly enjoyed it, because one of his feet were pattering the ground rhythmically.

After Twicer had managed to cuddle Cuddlegit back into his former, leety self, Cuddlegit had taken his camouflage bush and trod off. In the distance, Twicer could hear him shuffle along the side of the road. There was a quick pattering of feet and..
"Pron!" Twicer could hear the sound of a trenchcoat opening up and loud protests from Cuddlegit claiming the bush as his own. Twicer did not dare to look back, afraid of what he would see.

"Where.." Twicer started but broke off mid-sentence as one inquiring thought overtook the next. "Why hasn't anyone caught him?" he asked.
"Caught him? Nono, Cuddlegit has license!"
"License for highway robbery?"
"Yes!" chirped Izzy and snickered. "Cuddlegit is taxcollector!" Izzy and Skittle grinned. Twicer tried to wrap his head around this. The leet had been dressed up as a highwayman. It had been pushy and yet.. When it all boiled down to it, wasn't that what all taxcollectors were? It could certainly have been worse, he thought to himself. Images of leets dressed in red imitating the Spanish Inquisition rolled out before his eyes and he shook his head to get them out.
"Okay, so he's a taxcollector. Why the hat?"
Izzy and Skittle looked at each other and then shrugged.
"Why not?" Izzy said and that was it. And quite honestly, Twicer found himself pondering that taxes on Rubi-Ka wouldn't seem so harsh if only Cuddlegit had handled them.
The trio continued down the road.

The leets escorted Twicer along a road that led past what looked like a farmers field towards another crossing in the road.
"Izzy better go before Sumo does stupid thing for third time!" Izzy said and looked at Skittle in a sad way. As on cue, the very second later a sound reminding Twicer of a muffled explosion could be heard and a very familiar shape shot towards the skies from a hill far away. Twicer recognized the missile as what once was Izzy's last remaining hut.
"... now fourth time!" Izzy said and hurriedly scuttled towards his home, in hope of it landing at least somewhere in the vicinity of its originating launchpoint. Skittle nuzzled Twicer's feet and tugged on his pants, urging him to follow.

The hut at which they arrived was surrounded by a white wooden fence which looked like it would fall apart at the puff of a wind. Nailed to the door of the hut was a sign saying "Free tikets! Only 1 dolar!" and from the hut itself loud thumps and a horrifying wail could be heard.
"What was that?!" Twicer asked, backing away slightly from the hut.

Skittle nodded towards the door and Twicer approached it carefully and knocked three times. There were sudden sounds of scuttling from within and a loud clatter and then silence.
"Git offa the prop'ty!" someone inside screamed through the door. Twicer looked at Skittle who shrugged and grinned.
"I come in peace?" suggested Twicer.
"Are ye the p'lice?" the voice inquired from within. "I'll have ye know, we was on de other side o' town when we nicked that chocolate chip muffin, we was! Dunno nothing about it!"
"I'm not the police! I said I come in peace!" Twicer said. There was mumbling from within the hut as its inhabitants seemed to agree on something.
"How do I know eh? Got yerself a badge to show me?"
"I'm not the police, I haven't got a badge!"
Again muttering sounds from inside the hut reached Twicer's ears and he could make out some of the words.
"..Could be the p'lice in disug...digusu.. gusti.. Dressed up as someone!" another voice bellowed from inside the hut.
"I didn't know leets had policemen?" Twicer insisted and tried to imagine a leet in a policeman's uniform. There was something troubling about that particular mental image. More mumbling from within the hut ensued.
"s'right, s'right, true 'nuff... so ye'r not a p'lice leet then." conceded the voice. There was a pause, as if sudden doubt had struck the voice.
"Ye'r not one o' them rollers are ye?!" it asked cautiously.
"If I were a rollerrat, would I knock on the door?"
"s'right, s'right.. ye sound bit brainy fer roller anyways." The voice agreed. "Whut about large talkin' snake? Not one o' those are ye?"
"Aight, I is gonna open the door now an' if ye'r a big talkin' snake tryin' to eat me, there is gunna be trouble!" the voice cried out and the door was flung open and hit Twicer very hard in the face. As he fell to the ground, an energetic leet came flying out from the hut and landed on him. The leet had a wide grin on his face and was so full of energy and enthusiasm that Twicer found himself silently hoping it wouldn't combust. It had a silver star painted over one of its eyes.
"Ah-HAH! I knew it! Ye'r a roller after all - an UGLY roller! Prepare t'meet yer maker!"
"Hnng." Moaned Twicer.
"He is with me, Sneek." Skittle said to the overenergetic leet which apparently was called Sneek.
"Skittle! Nice t'see ye again!" Sneek said. "C'mon inside - the whole gang is here so we is!" Sneek nodded towards the downed nanomage. "Ye can even bring the stupid human!"

Twicer got up and followed Skittle and Sneek into the hut. As soon as the door shut behind Twicer he realized what had been making the wailing sound. One of the huts inhabiting leets was wearing a small electronic guitar, most likely another invention of Izzy on one of his better days. It had a single string on it, the rest of the strings had broken and hung sadly from the guitar - from the looks of things they had snapped from overuse.
"Meet de band! Sneek is lead singer!" Sneek said and pointed his nose towards the guitarist. "That be Freek! Plays mean solos! Was in de middle of one when de two of ye came around!"
"Ah.. Err. Pleasure to meet you, Freek." Said Twicer. "What was that you were playing earlier?" he added in a sudden burst of curiosity.
"Ye don't know classical music very well do ye?" Freek replied. "Phantom o' the Opera! Best heavy mettle in Leetville!"
"But.. That isn't heavy metal?"
"The way I play it, is heavy mettle!" grinned Freek and nuzzled the sole surviving guitarstring, making the guitar wail loudly. Sneek headbanged to it. Twicer was not very musically talented himself - at best his singing could be compared to the sound of a lion caught in a beartrap and any instrument he attempted to play invariably ended up playing a note that, if it could ever be given a name, would probably been known as H-flat. Freek had an electric guitar with a single string and was still better than most guitarists Twicer had heard. There was no denying it - the leet had talent.

"Woot! Mettle!" Sneek chirped and then scuttled over to another leet that sat behind what could've been called drums if you stretched the term drums to include large metal containers and pans. "This be Bob. Bob The Drummer!"
"Hi!" cheeped Bob the leet.
"Ah yes.. Nice to meet you, Bob The Drummer?" Twicer hesitantly stretched out his arm and scratched the leet on the side of its chin, making its tail wiggle against the bassdrum producing something that reminded Twicer of a hiphop beat.
"Aaargllll..." Bob The Drummer cheeped happily.

"We're the Leetles!" Sneek beamed proudly and spun around energetically.
Twicer found himself suffering from a sudden cough.
"The Leetles?"
"Wtf?! Lots better than we wus used to be! We USED to be Mahatma Leet and the Dregghesters!" Sneek looked affronted.
"Not no more though!" Bob said.
"No, because Mahatma go home fer donuts!" Freek filled in and beamed.
"I see." Twicer nodded. "And.. What do you play then, Sneek?"
"Eheheh!" Sneek laughed manically and nodded towards his instrument that lay on the floor behind Twicer.
Not possible. It couldn't be. The mere physics of it was mindboggling.
"You play the bagpipe?"
"Sneek not exactly PLAY the bagpipe.." Sneek smiled deviously and went over to the instrument, nuzzling it. "Bagpipe is bad instrument for little leets, so what Sneek do is..." and scurried away a short distance from the instrument.
"What Sneek do is ..." Sneek repeated.
"PWN IT!" Bob and Freek screamed in chorus and Sneek started jumping frenetically on the bagpipe.
"Woooooot!" Sneek screamed as he jumped up and down on the bagpipe and produced some of the most harmonic tones Twicer had ever heard. Exactly how this was done would forever be a mystery to Twicer, whose personal opinion about bagpipes was that any instrument made from sheep should sound quite horrific. Even so, Twicer was infinitely relieved that Sneek, in all his heavy mettleness had found an outlet for his energy - and that it wasn't biting the heads off of reets on stage. When the tones from the bagpipe subsided and his eardrums started working again Twicer was scratching his jaw.
"Who writes the lyrics then?" he asked.
"Eh well.." Bob the drummer started and scratched himself. "That be a secret."
"Yep. Big secret!" Sneek agreed.
Freek seemed to think about this for a short while.
"Freek thought it was Bob's mom?" he said. Sneek and Bob froze and then slowly turned towards Freek. The silence hung in the air and Freek shuffled a little.
"It's not Bob's mom?" he ventured.

As Twicer and Skittle backed out the door and left the hut, the muffled sounds of music started again, although there was a distinct lack of wails. Twicer stopped and looked back at the hut.

"You think Freek is okay?" he asked.
"Freek fine!" Skittle said and looked up into the skies. It was getting late, the stars were already coming out. "We need to hurry! Skittle still need to show stupid human one more thing before its time!" he said and scuttled onwards.

Chapter 1 - Click to read Chapter 2 - Click to read
Chapter 3 - Click to read Chapter 4 - Click to read
Chapter 5 - Click to read Chapter 6 - Click to read

Last updated 12. January 2004