Humor: Leetville Chapter One
  Leets are the most loved critter in the whole of Rubi-Ka and its hard to resist their childish charm, so naturally, we sent Twicer out to do some research about them but he found himself in way over his head when encountering the small town of Leetville..      
Leetville is story series, describing the ongoing adventures of Twicer as he discovers the wondrous world of Leetville! Special thanks to numerous leets and adventurers as well as Nepentheia. No leets were harmed in this production - Twicer, on the other hand...

Chapter 1 - Click to read Chapter 2 - Click to read
Chapter 3 - Click to read Chapter 4 - Click to read
Chapter 5 - Click to read Chapter 6 - Click to read

Chapter One
Another day in the field. Twicer was slowly going insane. Having to study the mating habits of leets has to be the lowest grade assignment Omni-Tek has ever thought of. "Be careful" they had said. Twicer rolled his eyes - what were the leets going to do? Nibble him to death? He raised the binoculars to his visor and zoomed in on the female and male leet behind the rock.

"Yo!" a leet nuzzled up to him and pushed the binoculars away with its nose. It inched close while Twicer prayed silently for it to go away.
"Eh.. shoo?" Twicer suggested, whispering softly so the other leets would not hear him.
The leet tilted its little furry head, looking Twicer deep in his visor, its eyes brittling with leety intelligence.

"Stfu." and bit his nose hard. That's leet intelligence for you right there.
"OW!" the scream effectively alerting the other leets to his presence. A rustle of small pattering feet and Twicer knew the leets were gone. "Oh bugger..." he sighed. The leet backed away from Twicer's face a bit. It was a fairly big leet, its eyes were fixated on Twicers and a black diamondshaped black furry patch adorned the leets forehead.

"You spying on us?" the leet asked happily.
"Me? No.. I just err.."
"You're spying on us!" the leet looked at Twicer, winking conspiratorially.
"Look, I'm just.. Here, what will it take to make you look the other way? Candy? Leets love candy right?"
"I'm Skittle!" chirped the leet happily, its attention span swinging wildly into another direction.
"Okay?" Twicer replied, a bit surprised at this sudden turn in conversation.
"They call me that cuz I don't give a skit!"
"Wh.. OW! Why'd you bite me?!" Twicer groaned while grasping his nose with his hands.
"Gonna say bad things about Skittle!" the leet harrumphed and squinted with its little eyes but failed to look threatening - at best Skittle looked like a leet in need of glasses.
"No, promise!"
"You haven't got any pinkies, leet."
"Dewd! Name's Skittle! Skittle the Feral!" Skittle grinned. "Skittle has lots of pinkies! Got tons of them in jars at home!"
"I think I'm going to be sick" Twicer moaned at the thought of a leet with a Pinky Jar collection. But then again, why not? He'd certainly seen stranger things. Most of them involving atroxes.
"Impressive, eh!"
"Yes, eh.." Twicer said, his voice filled with hesitation. It wasn't every day one was confronted with a leet of this intelligence. Normally they tended to wobble away after a short while, their short attentionspan changing direction to something else.
"Yes, well.. You see..." Twicer started but never got around to finishing the sentence before Skittle cut him off.
"No. I mean, that's Roxxor behind you!"
There was a thud and then silence as Twicer's body sagged even further down in the grass.

"What should we do with him?" Roxxor asked after spitting out the baseball bat.
"Skittle keep him?" Skittle beamed happily and nuzzled Twicer's face. "Nose is very nice and bitey!" Skittle said, proudly showing Roxxor the bitemark on Twicer's nose.
"Any phat lewt?" Roxxor undressed Twicer with his leety eyes and decided to dress him up instead. Nanomage white meat is an acquired taste, even for leets.
"No. But nice, bitey nose!" Skittle chirped and wobbled slightly up and down. Skittle always made Roxxor a bit nervous. It wasn't proper, thought Roxxor in his own leety ways. Killing humans because they attacked, yes, he could certainly do with that. Nipping them in the bum for intruding on the territory, yes, he'd certainly done that. But leetnapping, that's where he drew the line. It just wasn't proper at all.
"You keep him then. Just make sure the boss don't find out." he said and scuttled away, leaving Skittle with the unconscious nanomage.

"Wake up, dewd!" Skittle put his wet nose against Twicer's. Leets communicate a lot with their noses, Twicer had learned in his studies. This specific nose-to-nose treatment seemed to be number 122 - How To Wake People, squeezed in between 121 - Wanna Make Out? and 123 - Is It Dead Yet? Sometimes leets would get them confused and have a very bad time indeed. Twicer woke up and grabbed his nose which hurt a little. He could feel the back of his head throb from pain.

"Ow... where am I? Where are my clothes!" he was dressed in only his regular clothes worn under the nanoarmor. He looked around for his Omni-Tek issued equipment but to no avail. The hut he had woken up in, because that's what it was, looked suspiciously much like a swamp den but to his amazement it was filled with pictures of leets and a small table with a bowl of oozing brown fluid that smelled slightly like chocolate. One poster took up the better part of the left wall - the headline said "The Erotic Adventures of Herculeet" and had a picture of a Skittle the Feral in what on closer inspection turned out to be stockings and a leather band around its tail.

"Oh my god.." Twicer closed his eyes trying to get the mental image out of his head but failing miserably. It was one of those things that sort of stuck in your mind. Especially if you're an impressionable nanomage.
"Pron!" Skittle announced, wiggling its tail and grinning madly.
"Look.. Herculeet..." Twicer dragged himself up to a sitting position.
"Call me Skittle! Herculeet is stagename. Haven't used in many many years." Skittle said and scratched behind its ear with the foot.
"Just how old are you then?"
"One?" Skittle suggested after some serious afterthought.
"But you just said...!" Twicer began to protest but was interrupted.
"Remember who's got who by the nose, human!" Skittle said, huffing up into Twicer's lap, staring at him and to his amazement, Twicer found himself stared down by the angered little leet.
"Why were you spying on us, dewd?" Skittle commanded and Twicer found himself again under the inspecting gaze of the leet in his lap.
"So - that movie any good?" he said, changing the topic from one that would probably lead to Skittle practicing his nibbling skills once again to one that was at least moderately safer.
"Best movie ever! Has everything! Pron, candy and leets!" Skittle chirped happily. "Best is the end sequence when Herculeet gets the girl!"
"Yes, I bet you loved that.."
"First he kill evil rollerrats and gets girl, goes behind a rock and then.." Skittle continued, voice lowered as if hinting to licentious pleasures.. "..Then nuzzle!" Skittle pattered leety little feet on the ground and turned around with a chirping noise.
"Yes? And then ..?" Twicer asked.
"What do you mean And Then? What else is there! Hopeless human!" Skittle rolled his leety little eyes and sighed leetily. "You're not too bright are you, human? Skittle will show you around Leetville - yes, that's what Skittle will do! Maybe then stupid you wont ask so stupid questions. Stupid!"

Skittle padded over to the makeshift door to the hut and pushed it open after some effort and then stepped outside, closely followed by Twicer. "This cant be happening" he thought as the village unraveled itself before his very eyes. "There were no files on anything like this! And no one will believe me either because I don't have my recording equipment with me!" the village was clearly an abandoned swamp den village, which had after some major reconstruction been remade to house leets. Twicer was used to seeing packs of leets - after all, the backyards had tons of them, but this.. The village must have housed at least twenty swampfiends, but in leet-standards it was a metropolis. Small pathways had been painstakingly trod out. There were huts that clearly had been modified to house whole families of leets. Twicer was amazed and felt very out-of-place. There were small roadsigns saying "This way", "Another Way" and "Right Way".

The recording equipment! Where could it be? He turned his head towards what seemed to be an almost temple-like structure where a familiar shape of technology was piled up in the middle of a circle. Leets in small, ill-fitting robes had gathered around his zoom-lens camera with one leet standing in the middle, wobbling up and down slowly, chanting. Twicer realized that it must have been the high priest. No other leet would have the words "Hi preest" on the back of its robe. The rest of the circle had the words "Acoleet" on them.
"Phat lewt!" grinned Skittle and looked up into Twicer's eyes, smiling.
"That's my camera that is!" Twicer said and pointed towards the circle.
"Tough! Ours now! Hehe." Skittle mused. "Its shiny and funny and makes whirring noises. Skittle saw Bucky get too close to it and... FLASH!" Skittle's eyes grew wide in awe. "Big flash! They say it steals leet's souls! Bucky say he still can see stars when he closes his eyes!"
"What, my camera?"
"Told you! Ours now!" Skittle pointed towards the circle with his nose. "Mojo the priest is going to excersize it!"
"What, like.. Take it out for a walk?"
"No! Stupid, stupid human! Mojo destroy it to release Bucky's soul!"
"He's going to exorcise my camera?" Twicer raised an eyebrow and after some consideration raised the other one as well. This might be interesting, he thought and sat down. Skittle hopped into his lap and Twicer absentmindedly started scratching Skittle behind the ears, making him chirp and shudder happily.

The circle around the camera widened as the high priest Mojo started swaying back and forth and humming in leetlanguage - ancient but yet melodic tones. After a few minutes, Bucky was led out of a nearby hut by two blackhooded leets, leading him down towards the lens of the camera with his eyes closed. He was placed before the lens of the camera and then several things happened at once.

Twicer could see how a curious acoleet had crept up behind the camera, carefully sniffing on it leetily. At the same time, one of the blackhooded leets, which will be called Leet#1 managed to snag his foot in a small root and started tumbling past Bucky, towards the other blackhooded leet, which will be called Leet#2. Twicer could see how Leet#1 hit Leet#2 in what would have been a perfect tackle, toppling both over onto the ground and started rolling against and through the circle of acoleets, knocking over Leet#3, Leet#4 and Leet#5 at the same time as Mojo started squealing a warning. This had two effects - the first one being Bucky opening his eyes, finding himself looking into the soulsucking lens of the camera and promptly wetting himself from the shock. The scream also startled the acoleet behind the camera currently sniffing on one of many buttons.

The flash was blinding. Screams of terror reached Twicers ears but it was nothing compared to the scream from Mojo, as he found himself nose to nose with Bucky, who at the moment was a very unhappy leet. Having one's soul sucked out not once but twice, Bucky decided he'd had just about enough, and as Mojo turned to run, Bucky ran after him kicking Mojo in his leety behind while screaming at the top of his leety lungs "Wtf! Wtf! Wtf! Wtf!"

"Skittle think Mojo not high priest for long now." Skittle said sadly shaking his head slowly. He hopped down from Twicer's lap and nudged the leg of the nanomage. "Follow Skittle! Skittle show you more!"

Chapter 1 - Click to read Chapter 2 - Click to read
Chapter 3 - Click to read Chapter 4 - Click to read
Chapter 5 - Click to read Chapter 6 - Click to read

Last updated 19. December 2003